Introductions

        Ha, I'm feeling kind of guilty just starting this blog.  Should I ask my mother for permission?  If she knew I was writing a blog about our relationship, our family, she would want full editorial privileges!   I am not going to tell her.  Maybe someday, but for now, I'm too chicken.  Yep, I'm 52 years old, she's 91, and I'm still afraid of facing her wrath. I do not intend on maligning my mother, or blaming her for the consequences of her behavior in my own life and the in the life of my family.  I've learned enough about narcissistic personality disorder to know that she thinks and behaves the way she does because of some childhood trauma has shaken to her to her core--something that she has never been able to process or heal.  I know she's mentally ill, and I know that someday she will find wholeness in Heaven.  I know that someday when I meet my Lord Jesus, my real and happy mother will be there at His side.  I have decided to write this blog to put my thoughts and feelings in order. I have only recently realized that my mother's problems, and consequently the problems in our relationship, is due to her narcissistic traits.  Even from the time I was a little girl, I felt intimidated by my mother. I knew there was something lacking, a closeness that should have been there but wasn't.  I remember trying to figure it out from even from my early teen years.  My 12 year old best friend once told me, "Your mother is crazy," and later my high school boyfriend said, "Your mom is insane." I figured they were just overstating things--everyone's mom gets a little crazy now and then, right? Thinking back, they must have seen something amiss. Now I'm wondering what other people may have seen, but just didn't say anything. Or, were appearances so well maintained that we looked like the perfect, all-American family? Don't get me wrong, on the whole, we lived a good life. My dad was loving and kind, and provided whatever genuine love that was lacking from Mom. He also provided, by his job as a professional flight engineer, a comfortable standard of living. Our parents gave my brothers and me lots of great experiences and opportunities. We went to church, and the people there were pretty much at the center of our family's social life. From the outside, I'm sure that everything looked great. But inside. Oh, inside we walked on eggshells. I feel guilty for "complaining" because we did enjoy so much, and after all, we didn't suffer physical abuse (well, maybe only a very few times), and our parents weren't getting drunk, or neglecting us. There's just this undercurrent of knowledge that something isn't right. My relationship with my mother doesn't feel right, and I always wondered why.

About Narcissistic Personality Disorder

     Here is a link to a terrific article on NPD:    How to Recognize a Narcissist  This link will get you to the introduction of the lengthy article.  At the bottom of the page, in the pink box, click on the subheadings to read the other parts of the article. Basically, a person develops narcissistic traits to cope with abuse or trauma in their early childhood.  Because the person's self-image is so demeaned or destroyed, they invent a new one.  The rest of their life is spent trying to live up to the false image they have created for themselves.  NPD is a "spectrum disorder" which means that people will exhibit varying degrees of narcissistic behaviors. More than half the traits describe my mother to one degree or another.