The Unveiling

      So, how in the world did I ever come to the conclusion that my mother suffers so?  She certainly didn't receive an official diagnosis.  She has received psychiatric care in the past, but rarely by her own consent. And that was due to "depression."  She talks to a counselor now, but only because my brothers and I have established a no-gossip boundary with her. She would call one of us, and complain about the "ill-treatment" she received from the others.  We finally decided we didn't need that.  She: "Well I have to talk to SOMEONE about how I am feeling!" Me: "Yes, so you will need to find a counselor.  It's not fair to me or my brothers for you to put us in the place of having to judge between you and each other."  So, amazingly she did find a counselor; however, when I asked her how it was going, she (speaking like a true narcissist), "It's going fine, but I think I'm giving her more counsel than she's giving me."  Oh well.  Anyway, a few months ago, she had an issue with my niece, J., an adult granddaughter who spends a great deal of time helping her.  My mother became very angry (in a rage, actually) with her and said some very hurtful things to her.  As she realized that she may have cut that relationship off, she did become remorseful.  I offered to help her meet with J. so she could offer an apology, seek forgiveness and re-establish the relationship.  When we met, J. tried to relate how sad she felt that her grandma would say such hurtful things to her.  Well, my mother did apologize. It went this way:  "I apologize that you heard me wrong. When I said that I didn't mean that, I meant this."  We could not get her to feel any sort of empathy for the hurt that her words had caused. Oh well.

          It had been awhile since she had a rage episode.  As long as I can remember, she had them every so often. Usually someone did or said something that would provoke her anger with which she would lash out with spiteful, hurtful words.  There was even one time she boxed my ears, and a few times I remember that she threw something at my dad.  The energy of the rage would ebb and a disabling depression would wash in and could swallow her for months. There were a few times that these cycles landed her in the psychiatric unit of the hospital.  It was after one of these rages, at my brother’s house, that she was finally diagnosed with “chronic depression.”  This was the first time she was appropriately medicated (previously she had been given sedatives or tranquilizers) with anti-depressant medication.   She enjoyed almost 10 years of relative peace. Last summer I started noticing some anxiety issues, and then in the fall, it seemed she was once again becoming depressed.  We all started noticing that she was not processing new information well. She has a great memory—no question about that, but learning new things from medication routines to using a new telephone is just not sinking in anymore.  Her doctor has adjusted her medication, and there is some improvement, but I think that age-related cognitive impairment is causing her to lose her emotional self-restraint.  Once again, I was face to face with the problems that had plagued our relationship in the past.  I could understand the depression, but what was the rage all about?  Was she bipolar and the rage her “manic” cycle?  I started Googling “depression + rage” and found and interesting quote somewhere: “Depression is anger turned inward.”   The article in which I found that quote also said that expressing rage and anger acted as a vent for the person, they are “blowing off steam,” and once the pressure of the anger was projected on to someone else, then the person would feel a measure of relief.  Well, it never seemed that giving vent to her anger helped my mom in any way—she was more depressed afterward.  Finally I found the article I linked in my previous post. It was if I found gold. I’ve since done more reading about NPD, and it all confirms the evidence of my mother’s narcissistic traits and the consequences of that behavior.  Finally, I feel I have an explanation.  Finally, I can figure out how to cope, how to heal, how to end the generational harm.